10 Secrets of happy families

While it would be wonderful to accomplish certain things as a parent – raise future Nobel prize winners, get an award for your nurturing skills – on a more realistic level, most of us just want a happy home. A place where a pleasant feeling surrounds you when you walk in the door; where young ones feel safe and even teens want to hang around.

“Happiness is not a gimmick,” says Sandra Phillips, a home specialist from Whittier, CA, and mother of eight grown children. It’s not about everyone wearing smiles all the time, but a family life that’s built on a strong foundation of love, respect and togetherness. How do you get there with your clan? Here are 10 things happy families often do to help make their home a haven.

Show lots of love

“We tend to say ‘Big deal, he knows how much I care.’ No, he doesn’t, you’ve got to tell him,” says Michelle Gottlieb, a psychotherapist in Fullerton, CA. Mom and dad have to be loving and affectionate, and regularly dolling out compliments and hugs to the kids. And not just after they’ve been punished.

Eat together

You’ve heard this one before. Why? Because it’s so important. Dinnertime, whether it’s a homemade gourmet meal or a bucket of take-out chicken, is when everyone sits down and shares the news of the day. Happiness comes when you know others care about the little moments in your life.

Share beliefs

For Phillips, prayer and church every Sunday provide a solid devotional foundation for her family life. But even non-religious families can share values, morals, beliefs and standards for treating others. They can talk about them and those discussions and common ideals bring everyone together.

Schedule family time

“Taking time out to spend with your family sends an important message,” says Gottlieb. Some families make a Friday night tradition of watching a movie or going out for dinner. Others plan outings together. Gottlieb suggests everyone taking turns picking what to do. And the rule is: when it’s not your turn, you go in with a good attitude. While excursions should be family-only as much as possible, let friends tag along – especially for teens or the youngest who often feels left out – from time to time.

Go on adult dates

How can hiring a sitter and dashing out the door for a date help the family vibe? “It’s important that all people in the family are happy,” says Gottlieb. And maintaining a strong marriage has myriad affects on the whole household and everyone’s sense of being safe, secure and loved. If mom and dad are no longer a couple, single parents need to go on dates or out with friends to keep sane, balanced and refreshed.

Be firm

Don’t confuse having a good time with your kids with being their best friend. Kids need structure, boundaries and discipline to feel safe. “Adults have to remember that a family is not a democracy. Parents have the power and the authority,” says Gottlieb. Kids do, however, have a voice and choices. But they still should clean their room when asked, be polite, go to bed and a regular time and be disciplined when they cross the line.

Be respectful

When Phillips sees parents at the grocery store telling their kids to “Shut up!” she’s not surprised that kids swear and fight at a young age. “You don’t need to do a lot of teaching, just walk the talk,” she says. If parents are respectful to each other – plus lay some ground rules for language and respect – children will naturally be kinder to each other.

Know developmental stages

Unhappy homes can arise out of frustration. But Gottlieb warns against getting angry with a toddler for having a tantrum, losing your mind over a tween’s giggling or expecting a teen to want to spend all his time at home. Be well informed about your child’s developmental phase, be aware of what his limits and abilities are at this time, and don’t take it personally when he acts his age.

Believe that anything is possible

When kids are told on a regular basis that they can be anything they like with a little hard work, it makes for a household that can see past everyday stresses. “Always be reaching for what’s in front of you,” Phillips told her family. Now, all her children have done well in life and even her son, who is deaf, became a successful lawyer despite obstacles.

Make love unconditional

“All kids make mistakes, so do we as adults. They need to forgive us and we need to forgive them,” says Phillips. Always talking about behaviours as separate from self-worth, and giving them love no matter what happens creates that solid foundation that a happy home is built upon.