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Talking to Daughters

Importance of nonverbal communication

Q. I feel like I've tried every way possible to communicate with my daughter, but I don't think I'm getting through to her. Any ideas or suggestions?

A. My first suggestion would be to consider what “getting through” means. Sometimes we parents equate “getting through” with getting the child to do what we want them to do. Communicating clearly is not synonymous with convincing the other person to comply. In fact, if we communicate with our children, we will listen to them and respect their world views (as they will us)—and our children's views may not always be what we wanted to hear! So the first challenge is to decide your goal: Do you want to communicate and negotiate or do you want your child simply to comply with you? While the latter is sometimes necessary, a more effective communication climate fosters the former.

Communication is key. Sounds easy: parents and children can just exchange ideas. We all know things don't work that way! Here's one of the problems: every act of communication carries both content (what we say, the topic, the words) and relationship (how we say it, what we feel, who the other person is to us). So when we ask, “How was your day?” we send two messages, one asking about the day and the other providing information such as whether we really want to know or if we're just being polite. The content will be carried by our words; the relational message will be carried by our nonverbal signals like facial expression, tone of voice, body position, physical location, eye contact and such.

Understand Verbal vs. nonverbal. So here you are, talking to your daughter, thinking you're talking about her day. Now you run into the second part of this problem of content and relationship: those nonverbal signals you are sending—and you will send them, no matter how hard you try to do otherwise!—will far outweigh the words. Especially in “touchy” situations, your message will be largely about who's in charge or who is inadequate or who gets to make decisions or who loves whom. When we ask about the day, we also know we are asking because we love our daughter or we want to know where she's been or we want to start a conversation, etc. Those relational messages will be expressed in myriad ways and our daughters will receive them. In face-to-face conversation, as much as ninety percent of the meaning will be derived from these nonverbal exchanges.

And so we come to the third part of the problem: nonverbal messages are ambiguous. Words are not as ambiguous as nonverbals. We can say, “cat,” and others will envision a domestic feline, but if we raise an eyebrow, all kinds of interpretations can be made. So while you're thinking you're opening a conversation, realize that your daughter may be reading other nonverbal messages—that perhaps you're trying to pry into her business, for example.

Mean what you say. To complicate matters, nonverbal communication is so powerful that if a discrepancy is detected between the words and the nonverbal message, the nonverbal message is more likely to be believed. If you say something to your daughter (such as, “I hope you have a good time”) and she detects a nonverbal message that says, “I don't think you're going to enjoy yourself,” she will respond to the nonverbals. People pay more attention to the nonverbal messages in part because those messages are harder to fake. Children seem to be particularly skilled at reading nonverbals. Research shows children often decode nonverbal cues more accurately than adults and that girls often observe even more nonverbal details than boys. If you secretly question your daughter's views or disagree with her ideas, your doubts will leak out through nonverbal signals.

Don't try to fake it!. Be tactfully honest. The first challenge is to be sure your words and your nonverbals match. When you say to your daughter, “I love you and I want the best for you,” be sure that is the message you can say at that moment without feeling defensive and without using the words to gain her compliance. Otherwise, she may hear, “I love you IF you do what I'm telling you to do” or “I love you means I am the parent and know the right way to do things.”

So if you think you're “not getting through,” ask yourself what you are trying to communicate. Are you looking to negotiate meaning with your daughter or are you really looking for compliance? Do you want to integrate her ideas and choices into the outcome or are you intending that she comply with your guidelines? If your daughter doesn't comply, are you assuming you are not “getting through”?

Address your frustration:

1) Assess your own motives: Do you want to communicate and negotiate or are you looking for compliance?

2) Present your message as unambiguously as you can, matching verbal to what you feel because the nonverbal will be evident regardless of your best efforts to hide it.

3) Develop a genuine regard for your daughter's life experience by listening without judgment. We need not translate this point into “Do what she wants” but rather into expressing genuine respect for her desire to make decisions. Listen to her as you would have others listen to you.

4) Find solace knowing that although every confrontation will not go smoothly, your daughter will be learning a system of communication that will serve her well.

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