Bonding with your Daughter Guide
- Getting through” to your daughter“
- Girls and assertiveness
- Talking about the media
- Understanding gender differences
- Encouraging good decisions
- Back to the Bonding with your Daughter Guide: Get more practical tips and fun ideas.
Talking to Daughters
Understanding gender differences
Q. The way my daughter communicates seems to be so different from how my sons do. Should I try and steer her in another direction?
A. Actually, girls' communication styles do not differ from boys' nearly as much as we may be led to believe. More differences exist in communication styles among girls and among boys than between girls and boys.
Nevertheless, the effects of sex role expectations pound down on both girls and boys in those early teen years. Girls are called names and made to feel “out of it” if they don't conform to traditional standards. Boys who demonstrate an interest in dancing and cooking often are derided by others—both boys and girls—and often are not as popular as boys who go out for basketball. Girls who speak out in class with answers or who can beat the boys at contests often are not sought after by the boys. The message girls get, then, is that to be smart or quick or strong or bold means you lose the attention of boys and you won't get asked to the dance. The message boys often get is that to be interested in things girls are interested in leaves you on the fringes.
Often, girls respond by “going underground.” Girls learn to defer both to boys and to traditional female stereotypes. Girls learn not to voice their positions. Girls who were strong and capable and vibrant in the sixth grade revert to more acceptable patterns of compliance.
Help your daughter find her choices by presenting myriad experiences for her. Talk with her about what she sees and what she thinks about her world. Let her cope in her own way. The difference you are observing is less importance than the way you evaluate the difference. Presuming that one set of behaviors is “good” and one set should be avoided helps perpetuate the stereotypes. Be the model she needs to see (but remember the power of nonverbal signals!).
